Shock defrock alarms Pope Alice
Canonical cannons poised at epistemological cowboy’s church
POPE ALICE alarmed by developments sends her support and blessings to Fr Peter Kennedy and the community of St. Mary’s South Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. The Archbishop of Brisbane, the Most Reverend John Bathersby has threatened Fr Kennedy with a public de-frocking scheduled for this coming weekend.
Her Divine Holiness proclaimed from a bathtub in Bethlehem, during preparations for her annual pilgrimage to the great religious festival Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney, “This is a frocking canonical challenge for the Archbishop. While Fr Peter is known to be very frock-friendly he hasn’t been seen in a frock for some decades now. It could be a case of attempting to defrock the already defrocked.”
Fr Kennedy, hailed as an ecclesiastical rebel and epistemological cowboy, has angered the Vatican on a number of occasions with his unconventional practices and unorthodox liturgical language. The Pope’s sheriff in Queensland, Archbishop Bathersby Brisbanensis, has been directed by the Roman Pope to rope in the maverick cleric, perceived as a thorn in the side of Roman Catholicism. He is an intervention in its self-determined march towards irrelevance and oblivion. The Church’s mission of establishing Christ’s divinity has been overrated at the expense of the Messiah’s humanity. The Vatican’s fast franchise on mass-produced pap and its medieval mindset hold little sway in a technological age of scientific leaps and unprecedented medical advances. Without the likes of this sympathetic shepherd and his nourishing brand of non-toxic, organic spirituality a discerning faithful has little choice but to exit en masse.
Just when the Catholic Church felt enough shot had been administered to its own foot to guarantee a slow and agonising limp into the abyss along comes Fr Peter and his deputy Terry, with the ‘temerity’ to re-vitalize the crusty old institution thereby dragging the Church back from the brink and in the process eternally alienating church officials.
When asked about Pope Benedict’s hand in the matter, Pope Alice intoned, “Poor Benny has lost touch and seems oblivious to the fact that times have moved on from the days of the Inquisition and the Index of Books. After centuries of brutally extracting confessions and burning heretics sadly rigor mortis would seem too lively a term to describe the condition of the Catholic Church these days, especially in Europe.”
Pope Alice is also concerned for Benny’s health. “He’s been making increasingly disjointed declarations ex cathedra likening homosexuals to rainforests and babbling on about the Pill turning people into hermaphrodites. Benny is bringing a disparaging aura of parody and disbelief to the papacy. We popes must maintain our dignity. Benny appears more like a silly old lady these days rather than the feisty German Shepherd, who rose from the ranks of the Hitler Youth to the dizzying heights of St Peter’s Chair. We popes need be mindful of our role as servants of the people and not sashay around in Prada shoes and Brussels lace willy-nilly defrocking every thorny investment in sight.”